I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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