farters have to be the big spoon...
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
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I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
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I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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