Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
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Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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