So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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