Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
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I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
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Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Gay?
German.
Pity.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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