Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
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Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
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You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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