My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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