no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
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I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
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I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
All I want is dick and wine.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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