how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
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I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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