i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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