My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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