From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
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