he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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