he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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