his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
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Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
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If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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