Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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