Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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