I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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