he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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