I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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