Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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