I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
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So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
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Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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