I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize