I'm laying in your front yard are you home
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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