Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
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Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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