Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
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there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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