you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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