Someone shit on the floor
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
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i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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