Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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