so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
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Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
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You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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