Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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