Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
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Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
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DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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