You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
the liver wants what the liver wants
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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