I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
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there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
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I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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