and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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