bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
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I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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