not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
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This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
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You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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