textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
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Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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