I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
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My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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