matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
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Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
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I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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