On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
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What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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