Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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