OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize