guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
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You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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