I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
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They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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