My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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