i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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