Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize