he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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