i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
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Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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